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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Theology Lesson From Rabbi Grover Shlita, the Charedi Muppet

Hello, boys and girls, today we are going to learn about theology. As a Jew, you have to believe that there is only one God. Okay? Some people might tell you that there is more than one God. Hahaha! How silly? Are there even numbers past one? Don't even think about it. In fact, boys and girls, don't think about anything!! Because thinking is bad for you and might make your head turn into cotton candy. That might make you delicious, but just think of what would happen to you in the rain!! Boys and girls, some people might say terrible words to you, like "documentary hypothesis." These people are bad bad bad and should be killed (that's like going to sleep forever!!) Okay? So remember, one God, don't think, and DovBear sucks.

Congregation OCC (Orthodox Christian Charedim)

I was talking to the prominent LW UO RY (let's call him LWUORY) who was over at my house this past shabbos and he explained to me that there is a wealth of support for FGT. He even pointed me to this:
There is but one living and true God, everlasting, without body or parts, of infinite power, wisdom, and goodness; the maker and preserver of all things, both visible and invisible. And in unity of this Godhead there are three persons, of one substance, power, and eternity-the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Can it be any clearer Rabbosai? What my Episcoplean minister, I mean LWUORY, friend is saying is that millions of people for centuries have believed in three Gods. Why not four?
Of course, idiots like DovBear will say that this is "too Christian." Please. Don't make me laugh. Chochmoh bagoyim taamin (oh. I forgot. DovBear doesn't believe in Chazal). And although some might find some of this stuff kiruv clowny, it does sort of make sense. Of course, I don't need some kiruv clown to tell what's pashut -- there are four Gods!!!

Our Gedolim will of course ignore the evidence and insist on a one God religion. How pathetic. It's stuff like this that gets me depressed. Have they completely forgotten the following verse in Devarim:
"Observe therefore and do them; for this is your wisdom and your understanding in the sight of the nations, that, when they hear all these statutes, shall say: 'Surely this great nation is a wise and understanding people.'
What better way to impress the nations than by adopting their theology (Yes, I know about there are lots of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, too. Please, don't make me laugh!!)?

Monday, March 06, 2006

My Four Gods Theory (FGT) Is Not Kefirah!!

This past shabbos, we hosted (actually, I hosted. I didn't tell the Rebbetzin about our guest until the 18 minutes so she had us both sleep in the garage. Sorry!!) a very prominent LW UO RY. An interesting guy. On the way to shul we started talking about machshovoh and hashkofoh. I won't bore you with the details, but he ended up admitting that it is not kefira to believe in four Gods. Of course I can't reveal his name for fear of the kannoim. And I was also informed that RYBS, R' Kook and R' Eliezer Berkovits held a similar idea. OK. Maybe it was four cups or sons rather than four Gods. But they'll come around!!

But, of course, this is pashut. I don't need some LW UO RY to tell me this. Rabbosai, anyone with a brain knows that the Torah has four authors. And if the Torah is Godly, then that means there are four Gods. This is pashut. Pashut!!

Of course, the neanderthals over at Avodah are still trying to kvetch their one God pshat to make it consistent with the documentary hypothesis. Please. Don't make me laugh. Don't they know they're wasting their time?!?!? What do they cite as support?? Pasukim from the Torah itself that talk about one God!! Moiredike!!! Don't they know that "hashem echad" is just myth moshol??

Of course, the idiots over at Avodah are right. The FGT is sort of inconsistent with the whole monotheism thing. Let's face it. Monotheism is a pretty basic building block of our masorah. But what choice do you have? Believe that the Torah was written by four humans? You may as well be an athiest. And if I were an athiest, I wouldn't be able to have prominent LW UO or RW MO (or even LW MO) RYs over for shabbos. And then, of course, there is the Rebbetzin. There is just too much there to just throw it all away. So if it's between FGT and atheism, I'll take FGT any day.

P.S. To the kannoim who want to burn me at the stake, have patience! Give it a week or two. Before you know it, I'll be on to something else and FGT will be gone and forgotten.

Gut voch!!